Friday, March 2, 2018

Friends with the ones you love

So I'm trying to be my wife's friend as we go through a divorce and it's difficult. Also my first love is come back into my life as a friend and then is brought up a lot of old feelings. I'm not saying that I'm madly in love with her but does one ever truly get over their first love? We spend most of the day and evening talking to each other it's strange in a way it's almost like we're picking up where we left off but we're not those same people. Yet she knows me better than most. It's hard knowing you're only going to be friends with the people you love. But it's better to be friends with the people that you love then to be enemies. It's better to be friends with the people that you love then to be strangers.

Monday, April 3, 2017

How I was a Monster: Domination


Over 22 year grow more and more demanding. Dominating what you what you were and how. Dominating you what you eat. I never understood what I was doing. I was only trying to get you to dress the way you said you wish you had before you meet me. Yet I took it to far. You told me to tell you how to eat, diet wise. Yet again I took it to far. There is a fine line and I crossed it. For that I can only say I’m sorry and I’ll try to never cross it again. 

Friday, March 3, 2017

How I was a Monster

Below are how I was a monster to so many in the past. Over the next few weeks, I want to address each one. I will also address how I am trying to take care of it so I’ll never be a monster again.

Name calling
Questioning your intelligence
Constant criticism
Constant blaming
Abusive expectation
Emotionally blackmail
Content Chaos
Sexual Harassment
Yelling and screaming

Lecturing like you is a child

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Why I was a Monster: Synopsis

I wrote 36 blogs about why I was a monster. Yet I can really boil it down to just a few things.

  1. Undiagnosed Bipolar 
  2. Fear
  3. Low Self-esteem

My undiagnosed bipolar made my moods hard to judge, this made people walk on eggshells around me because you never knew what would set me off. As I get this under control people have started to notice I’m less of a monster, more mellow of a guy. I’ve had people at work mention it and a few friends say how proud of how far I’ve come in a short time because I’ve changed so much. Yet this doesn’t let me off the hook if I treated you badly because of this, I’m sorry.

My fear is a driving force of anger. I chose to be angry and not show my fear. I thought showing that I was scared was a weakness. So if you didn’t hold my hand I would lash out and yell at you because I was scared it meant you didn’t love or care about me. Yet telling you, “you're not holding my hand, I’m frightened this means you don’t love me” felt like a weakness and scared me even more.

My low self-esteem means I never thought I was good enough for anyone. I didn’t like myself so I didn’t understand how others could like or love me. So I would poke them to get them to go away or prove they really wanted to be there.

I’m working on my Bipolar with drugs and therapy. I’m working on learning to address my fears and my low self-esteem with therapy (CBT has helped in this case). I have a long way to go before I will love myself, but I will. I know I’m worth loving and the first person that has to love me is me. I need to do this not for my wife, my kids, or work. No matter what, my wife might not always be my wife, my kids will move away, and I’ll change jobs. I need to change because I deserve to feel better about myself and my surroundings. Then my wife, my kids, and my work will get the benefit of a better person.

Why I was a Monster: Unrelenting Standards

Unrelenting Standards
In this life trap you strive relentlessly to meet extremely high standards for yourself. You place excessive emphasis on money, status, order, power, recognition AT THE EXPENSE OF HAPPINESS, HEALTH, PLEASURE and SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS. You probably apply your rigid standards to others and are very judgmental. This may occur all within your head without telling others, but they usually feel it in some ways. . . they may feel that they can't help you, that they aren't good enough, that you don't need them, etc. . . As a child you were taught that anything other than the best was failure and you learned that nothing you did was quite good enough.

 I can’t say I have high standards for myself. Yet I have high standards for others. So when they don’t live up to them I will lash out at them. At first, they don’t know why I’m lashing out and when they realize they are like how would I know that? 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Why I was a Monster: Failure

This is the belief that you are inadequate in areas of achievement. This category is related to ego or performance. There is usually consistent comparison to others and the result is that you will find ways to feel inferior. You may have been called stupid, lazy, or compared to a successful sibling. As an adult you exaggerate the degree of your failure in order to stay in the failure mode.
I’m a failure in my marriage. I’m a failure in my jobs. I’m a failure of life. I’m a failure of money. My wife has walked out on me. I’ve been fired from many jobs. I’m not a good person. I’ve had to file bankruptcy chapter 13 (repayment plan). I lost our house. I’m such a failure how can anyone like me? So I push them away to protect them. 

Why I was a Monster: Defectiveness

You feel inwardly flawed and defective. You feel that no one can really love you because of how flawed you are. As a child you were not respected for who you were in your family, instead you were criticized for your flaws. You blamed yourself that you were so flawed. You find it difficult to believe that people close to you value you, so you expect rejection.

As a child, I was always being told I was flawed and today I really feel I am flawed, defective, and unloveable. This leads me to lash out in 2 different ways
  1. To push people away to protect myself of their rejection
  2. “Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member” quoted in The Groucho Letters by Arthur Sheekman.